June 8, 2012

Camino de Santiago: Day 11 (Christina)

From Granon to Villa Franca de Montes de Oca (27.8 km)

I am on the road at 6:30 just as the church bell rang the half hour bell; you don´t need a watch in these little towns as the church bells ring on the hour and the half hour, 24 hours a day. There was indeed an orchestra of snoring last night and I´m surprised I got any sleep at all. I am happy to be on the road again. My feet feel pretty good, still lots of blisters but no pain this morning. I am barefoot in my sandals today. The weather is quite cool, and a thick blanket of grey clouds spread over the sky. I am sure it will rain sometime this morning. Trying not to think about what that will do to my feet.

Santiago is a long way off and I can’t even think about all the miles ahead.

I am feeling rather low today. I don´t feel like talking or socializing. I want to get ahead of the Italians and the Irish nurses, really, ahead of the whole bunch. But most are on the road around the same time as me so I am in the middle of all of them. 

I walk alone for most of the day except for a short time when a young 23 year old Canadian walks along side me and I learn he is going to be a father. When he hears that I have two kids, he peppers me with questions about pregnancy, childbirth, childrearing. I answer him as best I can….it´s been a long time since my kids were little. But I sense his fear of what is coming and I try to be as positive as possible. Finally, I suggest he buy himself a good baby book where he´ll find all his answers. Shortly thereafter, he ditches me like a hot potato and joins the Irish nurses who are walking in a small group. I can´t really blame him, I don´t like my company today either.

 My feet are preoccupying my thoughts today. Within an hour of walking, I start to feel new pain points. I am regularly stopping and putting bandages on my feet. I am feeling really discouraged about this. My sandals are not giving me enough cushion on this rocky path and pebbles keep sneaking in under my feet. I have to get this resolved somehow. A large city is coming up so I make a decision that when I get there I will go shopping for shoes.

I find a really nice place to stay tonight, an albergue at the back of a nice hotel. It is quite spacious and clean. I opt to pay an extra 3 euro to stay in the room with only 8 beds instead of 18. Maybe I’ll have a better sleep tonight. I am really hungry so I eat a late lunch at 3:00 and then buy a few things for a light dinner later on.

Comfy chairs like these are rare on the Camino.  I spent some time
sitting here, gazing at the lovely view and being entertained by
a pair of peacocks that were wandering around just outside the glass doors. 

The Irish nurses from the night before are my bunk mates.
Today, we all seem to get along much better. 

The church opposite the hotel/hostel.

When I get on the computer, I can tell that Chris has been here as our website has been preserved in the address history. That makes me smile. I then read his posts and sure enough he was here last night. So he is a day ahead of me somewhere on the Camino. I am feeling pretty low right now, in a definite funk. Hope it passes soon.

Camino de Santiago: Day 10 (Christina)

Rest day in Granon

I have decided to spend another day at the church in Granon to give my feet a chance to heal. It feels really strange being left behind this morning. I say good-bye to Pauline who has finished her Camino for this year and is off to Madrid to visit a friend. This is Eleanor´s last day of walking and then she returns home. Sinead plans to walk for another week….maybe I´ll see her again. Everyone I have been walking with has gone ahead and will now be at least a day ahead of me. It feels so strange to be left behind. I resist the temptation to ignore my injured feet and follow after them.

After doing my laundry, I go for a little walk around this tiny village. It is deserted at 8:00 in the morning. In fact, most of these villages I pass through are deserted no matter what time I pass through. I think mainly old people are left in these villages; all the young people and young families have moved to the larger cities.

I find a bench in a little square overlooking the countryside and I take some time to think about all that has happened on the Camino so far. A lot of personal issues have arisen, much to my surprise. This is my rest day, so I just sit and enjoy my view: a field of poppies, stripes of farmers fields like ribbons stretched over the hills. The swallows are singing happily and are darting through the trees. I realize how very tired I am, emotionally and physically. I am glad I have this day for quiet reflection and a chance to heal my body and my spirit.

I update the blog on the computer in the bar, a very hungry computer that swallows my euros greedily. I am happy to finally be up to date. Haven´t heard from Chris for a few days now but I hear from others that he is doing fine. Lucky for him to have ¨found¨ his new boots.

I am perplexed about my footwear. I seem to get blisters no matter what I do. I think runners might be the solution. It is funny, I can run 20 or 30 km without ever getting a blister. Now, I don´t do it every day and not with a pack. Maybe that is the difference.

People start arriving at the church later today, early afternoon they start to straggle in. Most speak Italian, no English, Spanish or French so far. A nice Italian man makes a big sandwich and insists I eat part of it….I don´t mind having someone care for me today. In fact I very much appreciate it. After lunch I have a nap for almost two hours, a deep and restorative sleep. When I awake, I find I am in Little Italy, surrounded by mainly older, Italian men in the room. I suspect there will be plenty of snoring tonight.

There are only 30 people in the church today compared to almost 60 yesterday. Somehow the energy is different, more negative today. Not sure if it is me and my filter or if it is the people here. There are only a few English speaking pilgrims and I seek them out but soon regret it. First I talk to a couple of Irish ladies, who turn out to be nurses as well. They are a little older than me and they are bitching and complaining about the miserable, unhappy people in Spain. Nobody greets them in the stores, nobody says hello along the pathways. I am shocked as this has not been my experience at all. When I tell them that everyone I say hello to also says hello back, they make the comment that they shouldn´t have to say hello first, especially in the shops. When they start criticizing the girl in the local shop who I admit is pretty grumpy, I again speak up and say they don´t know this girl´s circumstance, so they really shouldn´t be so harsh. Well, that set them off about us Canadians who are so damn nice and always make excuses for people. I don´t think I won any friends here.

The only supermarket in town.

Window above the choir in the church.

I eat dinner with a Dutch women who is also my mat neighbour. She complains about the dinner which I happened to think is very nice: fresh garden salad and then a main dish with potatoes and beans and sausage. Her observation: humph, potatoes, cheap pilgrim food. She said she was there for the experience, and this was an experience she only needed to do once.

I was feeling pretty uncomfortable with this crowd. The Italians were boisterous and very loud. I really just wanted to get out of there….amazing how different this experience was from the day before. After dinner, I went directly to bed, just to escape. No prayer service tonight.

 

Camino June 8th (Chris)

Had a great meal last at my albergue (San Anton Abad), it’s attached to a hotel and restuarant… the bread was to die for, and the waitress even brought me butter, and then more bread for the road!  The people were VERY friendly, and the old guy that welcomed me into the albergue in the first place only charged me one euro for the two hours I spent putting together yesterday’s post.

Decided to have breakfast there as well this morning, as it was going to be a long way (12km, 3 hours) to the next town, San Juan de Ortega.  As I´m waiting for the restaurant to open, I see Antonio approaching.  He looks likes he’s going to continue up the trail, and I talk him into letting me buy him breakfast.  He tells me that he spent a day being angry about being robbed, but that today, he has let it go.

I walk in solitude again, and there doesn´t seem to be many people on the trail at all today… I’m greatful for that, as I really do feel like being alone with my own thoughts.

On the camino, I’ve been giving quite a bit of thought to the last years of my brother’s life; how traumatic the experience was for me, and how my needing to care for Tim almost ripped apart my own little family.

The whole ordeal triggered unresolved emotions from when my mom died of the same disease, and a feeling of having to make up for not being there for my mom as much as she may have needed me to be… plus… I knew only painfully too well what Tim was heading into, and it tore me to pieces to watch him go through the progression of the disease… it literally devistated me… I was an emotional wreck doing my best to comfort/care for my kid brother in his final days… at the expense of ‘being there’ for my wife and kids.

In moving Tim to Ottawa, I had expected that he would have more of a support system around him, that people would be there to help, to take part in some small way with his care… after all… my family is usually a close-knit bunch, and some of them had been through this before.

Now, I don’t want to dredge up that whole era of my life in too much detail, but suffice it to say that I felt hurt, betrayal and abandonment towards some family and friends that I had anticipated would ‘rise to the occasion’, or at the very least provide some sort of support for Christina and I… as well as my sister, who was very active in Tim´s life.

I have spent years feeling negatively towards some people, and not others, and I´ve been doing my best to ´let go´of these negative emotions… to ´let go´of the hold the past has had on me.

I realize that it was wrong of me to have any expectations of help/support from ANYONE… you can´t put that on people… and it was wrong of me to think that people would jump out of the woodwork to help… people will generally do what they are capable of in a dire situation, and god only knows what might have already been on the various emotional plates when I needed them.

I certainly would have appreciated more help, and I´m sure Tim would have as well, but it was wrong to expect it.  The results of my expectations led me to feel anger and resentment, hurt and betrayal towards those whom I expected more from… and I´ve had little if any contact with a big part of my family, and some once close friends.

It was one of the most tragic events of my life, and looking back on that time now, I wish I could/would have responded/thought differently… and I regret for all intents and purposes, severing family and friends from my life… it was a ´self protection´mechanism, I suppose… I was feeling hurt, and didn´t want to open myself up to more hurt.

I´m willing to accept that people did what they could, and that if they didn´t do anything, for whatever reason, that I shouldn´t have expected any different from them… I can only appreciate and treasure the support I/we did receive.

I´m not sure where that leaves me… I´m in the process of making peace within myself and I have a need/desire to reconnect with those whom I´ve cut off ties with for almost 5 years.

The past is the past… I look forward to a future where it doesn´t have such a hold on me.

Maybe there´s something to this walking the Camino thing…